Out of Control…

Why hello… it’s been a HOT minute, I know- I know. It is definitely “cold” season around here and the boys have been trying them all. That, mixed with sleep not always going as well as I would like and entering into the busy the holiday season, I have been treading water in more ways than one…and it’s starting to show.

On top of all that, and where I really got thrown off with my writing, just over a month ago we had a bit of a scary health event with our youngest son Brin (16 months) that had us in the ER. Without going into details, he is doing fine now, totally okay, but it was a very scary ordeal to go through. That being said, the whole situationreally shook me—deep. As I sat there cradling my very-out-of-it baby son, the scary thoughts wouldn’t stop pouring in, the self-doubt flood gates were open wide. “I am not going to Paris. I am not going anywhere… It’s not worth it. I just want to stay home with my boys and live simply. Nothing more, nothing less.” “I can’t be away from home for 6 weeks… How could I handle something like this by myself? Me, alone, in a different country without knowing the language, and without Daniel, I just can’t.” The mountain was building, one thought after the other. My mind was spinning and spinning, and for days. The aftermath of this event took me down quickly. My doubt was overtaking all the dreamy fun parts, and all the confidence I had in myself was washing away. 

As most parents know, the stability, safety, and security of our kids is first and foremost in life. So, when things happen outside of our control it’s a huge shock to the system. The fact that there are so many variables, most absolutely out of my hands, is tough. The reality that life isn’t up to me is really hard to take some days. Being someone who lives and functions with chronic anxiety, I have spent my whole life trying to keep my world as much in my control as possible. I have had a few life events take place that left me so powerless and broken, those occurrences didn’t help my already anxious nature and really doubled down on my need for a controlled environment. That’s the biggest struggle of being a mom for me: I have some control for right now, or over certain situations with the boys, but not everything. I can’t predict their illnesses, falls, scrapes, or other human interactions… Lord knows I try. I also know I can’t lock them in the house so they don’t get hurt, because that keeps them from experiencing life too. But when things are creeping into unknown territory or getting to ascary place, that’s my default… Stay close to home, stay in the safest place possible, and don’t rock the boat… don’t take any chances. When my fears take over I give into the safest choice and forget the rest.

The whole reason, motive, and why we want to make this trip happen is to move towards spending more of our life abroad; more trips, and for longer periods of time. We also want our boys see the world earlier rather than later and to know that anything they desire in life can be possible if they just take even the tiniest step towards it. This adventure I knew would present some challenges physically, mentally, and emotionally… I just didn’t think those feelings would start to throw me off this early. I didn’t think my confidence would take quite the blow it has.

So as each mornings comes, I get my cuddly boys all cozy with cartoons, I make my tea, I sit down and start to go over and process the day to come… I am slowly feeling more and more like I can do this again. Daniel has been busier at work and covering some different shifts, so I have been doing some all-day / all-evening single-parenting duties over the last month. As hard as those days are, it’s putting me in a better place and restoring the confidence I once had that I can do this whole travel-on-my-own thing. I can do anything as long as I stay calm and put my mind to work in a positive way. 

Over the next 4 1/2 months these freak out moments are going to happen, I know. But, I hope it’s nothing so severe that I feel I absolutely can’t handle this adventure anymore. Hoping for no events where I feel as though I have bitten off more than I could chew… So for now I am taking it all one day at a time, crossing off each milestone as I inch my way closer to the finish line. No dream comes easy, right? Nothing you really want in life ever comes without sacrifice or growth, so I’m going to keep growing.

More to come…