Reflections…

As the last year came to a close, I tried as best as I could, in the chaos that was the last few months for my family, to reflect on everything that was 2021. The year started off still in the depths of the pre-vaccine pandemic: masks and distance, then vaccines and rapid testing…OMICRON! This has been a shit show to put it nicely… But as horrible and scary as this whole experience has been—and continues to be—I must say it led me to make the best decision I have made in some time: to live, not exist. 

I was pretty unhappy in the beginning of last year and it continued on for some time…to the point where I was downright sad, like ugly crying in the shower sad. Granted I was still very much postpartum with my son Brin and waiting for that fog-like vail to lift, but still a tough spot nonetheless. Being in somewhat isolation for over a year with a newborn, a toddler and a spouse who couldn’t work from home, it brought me to this deep feeling of loneliness and longing for change that I had to look at myself and ask some deep questions. What am I actually doing with my life? What do I want? I can’t keep doing whatever this is, so how can I change it? How do I make myself happy again in our currently not-so-happy world? I needed a real life shake up and a new perspective. 

After long conversations with myself, and my husband Daniel, it clicked and now I am actively doing something about making my life more fulfilling despite these tough times. So I can’t be mad at this whole situation; it woke me up for some much needed self-inventory and basically stopped the simulation. Yes, there have been way more downs to this pandemic than ups but to ignore any of the positives, just because of the deep sadness and loss of this whole crisis, would be an injustice to the lives lost in it all. I have tried my best to do all the “right things,” to do our part to help this whole mess end, care about my fellow earthlings, live in facts, not contribute to the nonsense or negativity being spread on the daily, and in all that, hopefully honoring life itself and living because there are now so many who can’t. 

“You say you’re free and in the same breath you chalk up your truth as crazy, apologize for being yourself, laugh at your intuition and water down your passion. My love, if you aren’t able to move boldly and authentically to the true vibration of your heart then you’re absolutely not free”

– Brooke Hampton

Basically, I just want to start living wholeheartedly for what makes me excited and happy about life. Making more art, writing, poetry, music, photography, fashion, expressing myself in whatever feels right to do in the purest creative expressions I can have. I do my damnedest to live as authentically and honest as I can with no apologies for it. I try to take hold of my life, who I am, who I want to be and express it all in the most genuine way I know how. Struggling with chronic anxiety, it keeps hold of my soul, my freedom, and much of my thoughts with a tight grip. I spend a good portion of my life in self-talk and self-work to try to relax its grasp. I have made great progress but it’s still not where I want or need it to be. That’s why for me it’s so important to go to Paris, to take this risk, because it will push me, challenge me, and also free me in many ways. In doing these types of things and living outside my comfort zone, I’m positively optimistic that it could help dismantle what keeps me from being me, from going all-in on this one life that I get. My hope is that by traveling solo, independently living and parenting my two rambunctious boys, and truly exploring the idea of moving abroad in a serious way, I’ll be opening up the possibilities for more stories, more experiences, more joy… more life. I know so many people suffer with a variety of feelings along this spectrum, so I hope by being honest and vulnerable, sharing my art and creativity, my truth and my feelings that they too will find freedom and feel supported in doing the same. All of these thoughts and ideas are much easier to write about than to put into action, but this is my start; I want this to get the ball rolling and pray it never stops. 

Ultimately, I want my kids to remember me for being truly myself, always putting my best foot forward and being so content with the life I created every day. When I started this blog and thought hard about what life could look like for me and for us moving forward, one thing I truly knew in my heart was that I wanted people when they asked about me in life to say “Michelle, she takes risks, and she really lives in a way that makes her happy and whole.” 

So that’s my 2021…in the darkness that was last year, I planted a seed and this spring that flower is going to bloom.

More to come…